


Command Chat Log: Jedi Edition

by Chess_Blackfyre



Series: The Secura Family [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Caleb Dume has adorable Tooka Eyes, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Jedi Teenagers are still Teenagers, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chess_Blackfyre/pseuds/Chess_Blackfyre
Summary: Maris starts a padawan group chat. It goes about as well as you’d think
Series: The Secura Family [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718575
Comments: 32
Kudos: 434
Collections: Open Source Soft Wars





	Command Chat Log: Jedi Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Mascot We Don't Deserve](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23430682) by [Project0506](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506). 



_Maris Brood had created a chat room_

_Maris Brood has added: Ahsoka Tano, Barriss Offee, Knox, Kalifa, O-Mer and Jinx to the chat room_

_Maris: so_

_Maris: you may be wondering why I created this chat room_

_O-Mer: I would assume to stay in contact with each other and share relevant tactical information?_

_Ahsoka: I assumed it was for the memes_

_Maris: got it in one_

_Knox: that seems juvenile_

_Maris: Knox. Buddy. Friend. Pal. Deep blue under the sea._

_Maris: we are literally all teenagers_

_Maris: plus our commanders have one so we might as well get in on the fun_

_Ahsoka: Wait, did Bly let you see the command chat?_

_Ahsoka: because when I asked Rex about he told me I couldn’t see it until I was 18 standard_

_Ahsoka: which is weird because he isn’t even 18 standard_

_Maris: I may have had to...borrow his comm unit recently._

_Kalifa: define ‘borrow’_

_Maris: trust me you don't want to know_

* * *

_Maris: I’m just saying his name is ‘Trauma’_

_Maris: literally. That’s his name. I couldn’t not ask about it_

_Knox: I’m just saying it was kind of rude_

_Ahsoka: Wait_

_Ahsoka: did you not know?_

_Knox: ..._

_Ahsoka: oh my light you didn’t know_

_Knox: I thought it was rude to ask!_

_Knox: like a cultural faux pas or something!_

* * *

_Ahsoka: so that's the second time this month Darth Maul has crashed the party with his cyborg hate-boner for Kenobi_

_Barriss: Ahsoka, language!_

_Ahsoka: what it's accurate! he's all metal from the waist down!_

_Ahsoka: hey if Maul could get cut in half and survive at the bottom of a garbage chute for ten years d_ _oes that mean Maris could too?_

_Ahsoka: like could all Zabrak just survive getting sliced in half?_

_Barriss: theoretically yes but it would depend on where the cut was, and what sort of weapon did the cutting_

_Knox: damn_

_Maris: I hope I never have to test that theory but good to know_

_Maris: now I’m wondering how the hell he went to the bathroom after that_

_Kalifa: is it horrible that now I’m kind of curious?_

_Jinx: probably, but now I can’t stop thinking about it either_

_Barriss: well, if he was cut at a certain angle, he would still have most of his digestive system_

_Barriss: so some...openings may still be there_

_Jinx: wouldn’t the lightsaber have cauterized said openings?_

_O-Mer: it’s almost not worth thinking about_

* * *

_Maris added Ari Lykos to the chat room_

_Ari Lykos has joined the chat room_

_Ari: hello!_

_Knox: ? Uh, hi?_

_Maris: this is Ari, she’s new_

_Ari: Ari Lykos. My master is Plo Koon and I’m with the 104th!_

_Knox: the Wolfpack? I’ve heard amazing stories about them_

_Ahsoka: so you could say_

_O-Mer: don’t you dare_

_Ahsoka: that she’s being raised by wolves! :D_

_Barriss: *facepalm*_

_Maris: *facepalm*_

_Knox: lol_

* * *

_Barriss: Kalifa I would remind you that different cultures have different senses of what is ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’_

_Barriss: what is seen as disgusting in one culture could be seen as a delicacy in another. It is narrow-minded to impose your sense of cultural norms onto another’s_

_Kalifa: easy for you to say you didn’t have to watch Skywalker eat live bugs_

_Ahsoka: you gotta get that protein where you can_

_Maris: he likes the cronch_

* * *

_Maris: Caleb is Babey_

_Caleb: No I’m not!!! I’m a padawan just like the rest of you!!!_

_Ahsoka: Babey_

_Kalifa: Babey_

_Ari: Baby_

_Jinx: Babey_

_O-Mer: Babey_

_Knox: Babey_

_Caleb: I hate all of you_

_Ahsoka: hate is not the Jedi way young padawan_

* * *

_O-Mer: so let me get this straight_

_O-Mer: once your horns have fully grown in, you’re dumped somewhere in the Iridonian wilderness and told to survive for a month? On your own??_

_Maris: pretty much_

_Maris: then if I survive I get some sweet facial tattoos_

_O-Mer: what do you mean IF you survive_

_Maris: relax. Something like 90% of zabraks make it through their Res Selenoren_

_O-Mer: that still means 1 in 10 don’t_

_Kalifa: beats the human right of passage_

_Maris: ?_

_Kalifa: basically my uterus throws a temper tantrum for not getting pregnant_

_Kalifa: and by temper tantrum I mean i have to deal with a lot of pain and blood on a monthly basis as my body gets rid of the unfertilized egg. For the next, like, 30 years or so_

_Maris: metal_

_Knox: what do you mean humans lay eggs??!??_

* * *

_Ari: so then, after we get pulled over, Wolffe says 'wait i have an idea'_

_Ari: poor Thorn nearly had a heart attack when he saw me behind the wheel of the speeder_

_Jinx: lol_

_Kalifa: I'm sorry? I don't understand the joke. Is it because you don't have your license yet?_

_Ari: more like because I literally legally cannot be placed behind the wheel of a vehicle_

_Kalifa: ?_

_Jinx: oh right, I don’t think you guys have met._

_Jinx: Ari is Miraluka. Her species literally does not have eyes_

_Jinx: which you know is kind of vital to the whole 'not crashing a speeder' thing_

_O-Mer: can’t you see with the Force?_

_Ari: yeah but the Force can’t tell me when the light turns red_

_Ari: or what any of the buttons are labeled_

_Ari: or what the read-outs say_

_Ahsoka: Wait then how do you do this whole group chat?_

_Ari: it’s voice-based for me. the comm unit reads out what you write and transcribes what I say_

_Ari: which to be honest listening to the computerized voice read out the kinds of things you guys have written in a dull monotone pretty hilarious_

_Ari: sometimes I go over messages in the breakroom just to see if any of the troopers crack_

_Ahsoka: Wait, does that mean—_

_Ari: suffice it to say you have /scandalized/ several shinies_

* * *

_Maris: so I heard master Tapal is getting a new padawan. Itty bitty guy named Cal Kestis_

_Maris: Who isn’t even in the double digits yet, so when I add him to the chat let’s keep the profanity to a minimum_

_Maris: I don’t want to get yelled at for being a bad influence. Again._

_Caleb: I said I was sorry_

_Maris: of all the cuss words you had to use why the Zabraki ones?!_

_Maris: Aayla made the 'I'm not mad just disappointed' face. i hate that face_

_Jinx: and here I thought Zabrak were supposed to be hardcore_

_Maris: I will steal your bones_

_Jinx: that doesn’t even make sense?!_

_Maris: do you feel threatened?_

_Jinx: I mean, sort of?_

_Maris: then it doesn’t have to make sense_

* * *

_Ari: Master Plo is in a long council meeting, so I’m with the Coruscant guard today._

_Jinx: Yikes how'd you get that?_

_Ari: something about ‘inter-unit bonding’_

_Ahsoka: press F to pay respects_

_Knox: F_

_O-Mer: F_

_Jinx: F_

_Kalifa: F_

_Kalifa: wait why are we paying respects?_

_Ahsoka: to say Fox is kind of grumpy is like saying a nexu cat is not an ideal house pet_

_Barriss: to be fair, the Coruscant Guard has to deal with the Senate on a daily basis_

_Barriss: and the citizens of Coruscant_

_Barriss: I’ve been told they can be quite ‘shank-y’_

_Barriss: I’m not making this up they have unusually high rates of shankings_

_Maris: yikes. I’d be grumpy too if I had to deal with that_

_Ari: I mean he’s sorta grumpy, but Stone, Thorn and Thire are okay_

_Ari: Blockade does give me ‘wants to stab someone’ vibes though_

_Cal: oh! We went to see the Guard when I was still in the crèche!_

_Cal: Hound let us pet his mastiff! Grizzer was very nice!_

_Caleb: lucky_

* * *

_Ahsoka: so, how’s the ‘inter-unit bonding’ going?_

_Caleb: Bly’s taking us out for ice cream!_

_Ahsoka: Damn how’d you pull that_

_Barriss: Ahsoka language_

_Maris: The kid has adorable tooka eyes_

_Maris: learn to weaponize those and I doubt even Windu will be able to say no to you_

_Caleb: grandmaster mace is nice_

_Barriss: Excuse me, but isn’t Padawan Dume nine standard?_

_Caleb: 9 and 3/4ths_

_Maris: same difference short stuff. Why?_

_Barriss: is it really advisable for him to have so much sugar this late?_

_Caleb: Relax, I can handle it_

* * *

_CC Command Chat_

_Priority Alert_

_Grey: WHO LET CALEB HAVE SUGAR?!?!_

_Priority Response_

_Rex: lol_

_Priority Response_

_Grey: I KNOW IT WAS ONE OF YOU WAVE COMPANY KNOWS BETTER_

_Priority Response_

_Cody: Seriously people stop abusing the alert system_

_Priority Alert Disengaged_

_Fox: I’ll share some hard won wisdom of the guard with you, vod. A trick when investigating any crime_

_Fox: maybe just think about who he was with last_

_Grey: ..._

_Fox: I can practically hear the elevator music from here_

_Grey: BLY_

_Grey: BLY PICK UP I KNOW IT WAS YOU ASSHOLE_

_Bly: in my defense—he used the tooka eyes_

_Grey: YOU ARE A LITERAL MARSHAL COMMANDER_

_Grey: YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO WITHSTAND TORTURE_

_Bly: yeah but tooka eyes_

_Bly: also wow you are really using the caps lock_

_Grey: HE IS PRACTICALLY BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS ASSHOLE AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT_

_Cody: that’s actually kind of impressive_

_Rex: Prayer circle for Grey_

_Cody: kot_

_Wolffe: kot_

_Ponds: kot_

_Bly: kot_

* * *

photo of Commander Wolffe, Plo Koon, and Ari Lykos

artwork by the lovely and talented suja-janee on tumblr

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you've enjoyed this!
> 
> Just so you know, Bly is definitely the indulgent kind of dad
> 
> Ari Lykos is one of my OCs that I've been meaning to use.
> 
> As always if you've liked what you've read here, comment below and let me know!


End file.
